I feel I am no longer connected to myself. "I" (my person), is severely lacking in having a consciousness. I’d say 80% of my funtions are now controlled unconsciously. My movements, my speech, my actions, my thoughts….all are performed unconsciously. I don’t even feel real unless I sit alone and zone off into deep thought as I am now. I have to do this just to be able to think for myself, and even then, I can’t really bring anything 100% to my conscious. My conscious seems distorted and distant. What controls me, are impulses and compulsions. I am 19 now, and have been like this for while expcept before about a year ago I’d say I was dissociated from my consciousness about 20% instead of the now 80%. I am no longer in control of myself. I just sit back for the ride now and watch myself do absolutely nothing all day.
I came from very loving parents. I find it strange that I cant remember much before 7th grade. I remember picture frames of different events. Most of them just being times of extreme anxiety or moments of achievement. I VERY few memories of before 2nd grade. Faint, images of locations, but not interactions.
I feel defective. When I hit 15, I started exploring some weird sexual fetishes. I couldn’t control my impulses to steal. I would steal from stores and friends houses (not my friends stuff though). I had strong sexual arousals which would make me think and do crazy things. I would have to masterbate just to get the crazy ideas out of my head. Sometimes I would act on the ideas, and it would feel good. Then I would feel guilty after masterbating.
I feel there is no diagnosis for me and I am just defective. I don’t want to go on. I don’t want to bring this up to my parents or anyone for that matter. I would feel guilty having anyone even try to figure out what’s wrong with me.
I think most of this stemmed from my extreme sexual arousal. Doing the crazy things I did, made me feel good sexually. I would always feel guilty though after masterbating. There is no disorder that describes this.
Am I doomed?
Related posts:
- How come after i do any sexual activity (not neccessarily sex) i feel sick with guilt and i get really moody?
- Anybody had or have what’s called “persistent sexual arousal disorder” I don’t know if I should feel lucky?
- sexual arousal problems?
- childrens sexual curiousity?
- Should I feel at fault if a guy has premature ejaculation?
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 pm
you are not doomed. you are human. it’s us!