Over the years my wife and I have had discussions about her lack of interest in sex in terms of frequency and interests. Though the frequency has been acceptable for the past 3 or 4 years, every Sunday night, she still seems to have no interest of exploring other ares of sexuality. We have tried a few things over the years, (my initiation), to spice things up but I have yet to find something that flips her switch. I am sexually open and will do anything for her. Her realm of sexuality is hold and scratch each others body before sex, maybe rub my genitals a little, "to get hings ready", go into intercourse and finish within 5 minutes or so. I have a toolbox that hold a variety of items that "I" have purchased over the years such as tastefully done sexual educational videos on how to’s, (we have the series from Adam & Eve), dildos, vibrators, lubes, fluffy S&M bondage cuffs and a couple of hard core videos. She has never initiated the use of any of the items though she will watch the videos if I suggest and likes the egg vibrator when used between us. She has no desire for self stimulation and seems to only tolerate giving oral to me when I make a rare request but I feel like I am putting her out, (this is for foreplay only and no "finishing" ever). She likes for me to groom her genital area but has never groomed me though I have asked many times. Other than that I really do not know what she likes and how to accommodate her. We have discussed going to a sexual therapist several times and her alone to a therapist to help with her lack of interest but no action has yet been taken. Obviously I am very frustrated and on the verge of filing for a divorce. Our marriage is solid in all other area though we could be more affectionate towards on another but I know these issues are having an effect on my affection towards her and somewhat on my family life. We have no issues with fiances, have two beautiful children, 13 & 15, that are doing well. I am at my wits end.
Just so you know, I am respectful towards her with my requests and expect our intimate activities be to consensual. I feel that a partner should be willing to try different things out of respect and love for the other and it bothers me very much that I have to "beg" for certain things and that it not being done out of love and her knowing what I desire. The past year has been very stressful for me , and her, due to depression and a couple of physical ailments. I have now stopped taking any depression medication and feel for the most part that my health is back to normal. I still experience instances of a fast heartbeat and episodes of frustration/depression that I am positive that the stress is taking a toll on my mental health.
Sorry for running this so long but maybe the details will help me get some answers or suggestions on how others have dealt with this problem.
Thanks,
Chris
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March 14th, 2010 at 8:11 am
Wow Chris, your a tough one. I usually can pop out a pretty good answer quick on many different types of posts but yours is hard. See, in all good conscience I can’t just say to you Get A Divorce on this. But on the other hand I see a very troubled and unhappy man. I know you have two fairly grown girls and they will now be old enough to understand divorce if it happened. But when you rip up the marriage circle between the 4 of you at their age they are in that damn teenage time and it’s really tough. You’ve got one, the 15 yr old who will now need to get started on birth control so as to be responsible and not feel she needs to turn to a boy for comfort because daddy has left. The boy will take advantage of her so you need to stay close to her and have a talk and let mom take her to the doctor for b/c pills or a patch. The other one will start or has started her period she’s next.
You have a family dynamic here that makes this hard to just up and divorce. See you said everything else is fine. I do feel a "closeness" is missing and a cold distance is forming with your wife and you can try – you and her to not let it get worse! Why not try to make effort with your wife each week to have a date night and go do something fun with just her. Go to the movies, have some popcorn together. Go bowling together. Eat dinner at a fav. restaurant. Really try to reconnect with her.
You still have something there…I would hate to see you divorce…..and be alone. Try and make a connection with her. Good luck Chris.
March 14th, 2010 at 8:11 am
What works for me & mine may not work for you & yours. I tried to read your lengthy question, but, does your wife feel there is a problem ? I am a construction worker married for 28 yrs. Sex is good and there isn’t much room for improvement. Maybe your focus should be on intimacy (?) Impromtu get aways, date nights with dancing . Hot tub visits. Make out sessions with no emphasis on actual sex. Candle light conserversations etc. Keep it simple, each experience doesn’t have to be a journey to heaven.
March 14th, 2010 at 8:11 am
Is she finishing? That might be the problem. Perhaps you need to go back to basics and see what makes her squirm with delight